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If you own (or have owned) a two year old, you’re likely to understand. If you have a newer model, just wait. Your time will come. We all hear about the Terrible Twos. It’s a cliché of childhood and something you hear of so much that it dilutes the impact when they start a bit. I always felt my kids’ particularly terrible Terrible Twos moments aren’t really that problematic because everybody goes through it (so who am I to ever complain?) Plus Alex is a pretty charming kid. He bats his incredibly long eyelashes and smiles with his big full cheeks and says ridiculously adorable things. He’s this way– charming and funny–to everyone except me. Or he was at least, until last week.
For several months Alex was a complete daddy’s boy. If there was an option between parents, he’d go with dad. He’d scream “No, I don’t want you. Go away!” He’d hit me and pinch me and cry when I’d try to comfort him at night. As much as I tried to let it wash over me, to not let the swinging pendulum of toddler emotion get the best of me, it did. But I’m a tender person, I take on other people’s emotions much too easily, even my baby’s. It’s just hard to go from being the sole beacon of light for your child in their first year to their punching bag. Alex spent so much of his early days literally attached to me in my wrappy sling. He was so tiny, so frail and needed so much attention. I knew how comfort him and make him happy. Then he grew up, got more independent, got a lot more independent and suddenly I lost my footing. I lost confidence in myself as a mother and let Alex dictate the terms of our relationship. When he called for Chris, I’d walk away and would eventually just not get up at night when he called. I let Chris change his nappies and I didn’t sit next to him on our flights to the US (okay, there were some perks to our unspoken arrangement). I never stopped treating him with the same kindness and affection that I give Nate but I definitely felt distance from him, especially when dad was around.
That sounds terrible doesn’t it? The problem with charming kids is that no one really gets it when you tell them your kid has turned into Rosemary’s Baby. Sure he’s adorable when you’re offering him cake, but stay at home with him for day after day after day and try to tell him that he can’t colour the walls with red crayon and see how much those eyelashes bat for you. Don’t get me wrong, I adore him and most of the time I’ll tell you the cute and clever things he’s doing. But it is so hard when people just don’t believe you when you say he’s a bit of a nightmare. It’s lonely and cold and easy to fall into the failure trap. I know I went through a similar stage with Nate. I remember thinking I was a failure and that he would be better off in a creche than with me. But sweet tiny, newborn Alex was there to soften the blow and give me the sweet baby cuddles I needed. These days, Nate is attached to my hip and overflowing with cuddles and kisses (and tears when I go to yoga 15 minutes before bedtime). I know that the tide changes, at least I hoped it would.
So we’ve spent the last few months in a motherly-holding pattern, waiting for his temper to get better. Then this week, out of the blue, little Alex comes up to me while I’m making a cup of tea and wraps himself around my legs and says “I love you mommy.” I think that might be the first time he has ever said that. And he hasn’t stopped saying it. I get hugs and real kisses and “I love you so much” or “I want to snuggle” quite regularly. I knew he’d come around, but my heart always questioned my head. I know I have a lifetime of challenges ahead of me and that Alex will test me all along the way. He’s just too much like me. I don’t have his charm, but he has my stubbornness. I feel like Alex and I have found a new understanding in the past few days, a new closeness and a deeper bond. We’re beyond the primal maternal bond and moving into the deep personal bond where I understand him and who he is and love him all the more for it. Of course, he’s still 2 and still has a temper but it’s getting better day by day. And if he still gets a little clingy with dad on the weekends and prefers him to change the nappies, I’ll be cool with that too.
