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I adore my children and am so lucky and proud to be at home with them, but lately it has been hard. Both boys have simultaneously hit the terrible-twos and terrible-threes. It’s hard and stressful managing their moods, but lately I’ve been trying to look at things more positively and have been trying to remember how lucky I am to have two little moody monsters in my life.
That said, toddlers can really sap your energy with their soul crushing tantrums and malaise. There have been more than a few days that we just don’t leave the house because just as one kid is calmed down, the next begins, and then the other starts up and pees all over his bedroom and next thing you know it’s nap time so you just put on a Disney movie and hope your husband doesn’t have to work late because you only have enough patience to last you until 5pm. I’ve had to literally drag Nate screaming out of Dunnes because he didn’t want to walk through the men’s department that day. I’ve been bitten, slapped, punched in the face and screamed at. I’ve had to deal with little boys biting, slapping, punching and screaming at each other. There have been great big muddy messes, broken toys and crayons on the (rented) walls. Some days I feel like I’m telling my kids they can’t do things more than I’m telling them I love them.
But the thing is, I do love them and they love me. It’s so hard to retain perspective in the face of tantrumdum, but once I adjusted my reaction to Nate’s behaviour he has done a lot better. Three year old tantrums are so different. Alex acts out because he has a shallow grasp of emotions, he is just learning to express his needs and is exercising his physical and mental powers (and he is pretty powerful). There’s nothing you can really do with two year olds except reinforce good behaviour and keep them from harming themselves. With Nate though he was getting frustrated and irritable, testing his boundaries and exhausting himself through play (and stubbornness). I switched gears with him and rather than fight him, I started showing him more and more that I loved him. I encourage his independence, reward him for being a big boy, ask for his help (especially with Alex) and stopped telling him he was doing things wrong. Instead of saying something like ‘you’re not being a good boy’ I started saying ‘I know you can do what I’m asking because you are a kind and helpful boy’. If he was really lashing out, I’d ask if he needed a hug. And usually he did.
In the past few weeks, Nate has completely changed. He’s loving and gives hugs all the time. He wraps himself up in my lap and says I love you unprompted. He can even recognise when he is feeling frustrated and will tell me that ‘mad boy’ is lurking around, then usually finds a place to throw mad boy out so that he can get on with his day. It’s amazing how language can change how your kids feel and how you feel. I’m much less stressed when I’ve said positive things to my children and I’m sure they feel the same. It is so easy to forget how young Nate is, especially as he seems so much more sophisticated than his brother, but he still has so much to learn and so do I. We still have our bad days, but Chris is quick to remind me that no matter what happens during the day, they boys always go to bed happy, usually laughing and asking for more hugs and kisses.
So if you’re struggling with toddler tantrums (and if I’m re-reading this after a relapse), it’s okay and it will get better. Just take a deep breathe and remember that love is your greatest asset and your secret weapon.
